Saturday, June 27, 2009

Long Time, No Blog

Checking in, finally, after a long absence from blogging. It's not that I don't have any TIME to blog or that I don't have anything to BLOG about, it's just that there are so many OTHER things that need to be done or that I want to do that blogging has taken a back seat (as has cleaning out the van, folding laundry, etc.). As I am sitting on my couch, trying to type out a semi-coherent paragraph or two, Haven Esther is leaning her forehead against my left elbow and munching on cheese crackers that are in a bowl on my knee. Drool mixed with crumbs rains down on my foot. Yummy. She is so sleepy after her barely there half hour nap that she can't even hold her head up though she insists she wants a snack.
Life is so full and so hectic and so fun and so difficult some days. It seems all I can do is survive it. But, I really, really don't want to just survive. I want to make the most of these days, even the difficult ones. I want to savor them, all too soon they will be gone. One day I will look around and there will be no crises to avert, no popsicle stains on my shorts, no crying babies to be held. One day this house will be quiet and still and clean and I don't want to look back and think, "where did the time go?" I want to use these days to teach my children about God and love and family and strength and kindness and self-control, but most days I'm just too tired, too distracted, too confused about what is urgent and what is important. Striving and thriving seems out of the realm of possibility. (Now Haven is crying because I won't kiss my own cheek! Obviously she needs to lay back down.) Most days I'm ashamed to admit (though I don't think this will come as a surprise to any of you) that I am simply not in a position to teach my children about these things because I am not acting loving or kind or godly. I'm weak and fearful and disorganized and angry. How can I teach my children about things that I don't demonstrate? I want to enjoy this time with my family. I want to play board games and go swimming and garden together and read with them and take them places. But the laundry is taking over my living room and I cannot even find my dining room table under the scrap booking materials.
Still, I'm trying. Or maybe I'm trying to try...At any rate, blogging has been on the back burner, my van is dirty, and if this tower of unfolded, clean laundry falls over somebody may be hurt. But, we will bake a cake together today and read some out of "The Princess Bride." When Haven's mouth hurts I will hold her while the popsicle drool coats us both. And when I look at the leaning tower of laundry, I will not regret the time I have spent today not folding it.
Excuse me while I hold Haven for a bit and sing to her before I lay her back down.

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