Sunday, September 21, 2008

A Runner, I am Not

I have run a bit in my lifetime. Recently I have been engaging in the practice of walk/jogging 3-4 times a week for shorter distances than I'd like to admit. I'd like to be a runner. I admire their fortitude, their stamina, and (most of all) their legs. But I am not a's why:

Top Ten Reasons Why I am not a Runner:

10. Bad knees...I take ibuprofen daily even when I don't run!
9. Those extra 30 pounds I'm carrying start a chain reaction of jiggle that could be catastrophic on an extended run.
8. I get bored really easily...I call it ADOP (attention deficit...ooooooh, pretty!)
7. I can't read and run at the same time without getting motion sickness.
6. I'm lazy.
5. There's no one chasing me.
4. No matter how far you're going it seems painfully slow getting there.
3. I look and feel about as graceful as a lumberjack with one leg when I run.
2. Sweat is icky!
1. They have yet to invent a sports bra that can contain these mams when I'm nursing!

Friday, September 19, 2008

Appointment Disappointment

I had an appointment to see the dermatologist today for my psoriasis. I have never actually seen a dermatologist for it before, so I was really looking forward to it! My psoriasis seems to go in phases: better, then worse, then almost gone, then unbearable, then better again, and so on. Right now it's in a pretty bad phase. It covers my entire scalp and has crept down onto my face. I also have small, but intensely itchy spots on my arms, legs, and torso. My doc doesn't even know what to do with me any more...I guess because things that should be helping just aren't! Tanning keeps the areas on my body from getting too bad, but I'm annoyed that there are so darn many of them. And as thin as my hair is, tanning still can't touch the ones on my scalp.

I hate psoriasis. HATE IT!!! I know theologians think Paul is referring to his eye sight in I Thessalonians 12 when he says, "7To keep me from becoming conceited because of these surpassingly great revelations, there was given me a thorn in my flesh, a messenger of Satan, to torment me. 8Three times I pleaded with the Lord to take it away from me. 9But he said to me, 'My grace is sufficient for you, for my power is made perfect in weakness.' Therefore I will boast all the more gladly about my weaknesses, so that Christ's power may rest on me. " However, I believe that Paul was actually referring to psoriasis! I believe this because I would describe my own psoriasis as a thorn in my flesh. Not only is it unsightly (in fact, this is the least of my concerns although I am, admittedly, not thrilled about having it on my face), but it is extremely uncomfortable. I feel like a burn victim. My flesh is covered in itchy, burning, scaly patches. It's also gross. Having it on my scalp makes me appear to have a really severe case of dandruff. My shoulders are constantly covered in flakes. To make matters worse, all of the scalp medications that I've tried are I end up with OILY, FLAKY hair! Actually, I am using an alcohol based medication right now and I love that it evaporated so quickly and doesn't leave my hair oily. However, rubbing alcohol into open wounds is not fun and often brings tears to my eyes. Perhaps God is keeping me from becoming conceited. I wonder about this especially as I consider the psoriasis on my face.

I, too, have asked God to take this thorn from me, but yet it remains. I try to rest in His Grace and believe the power of verse 9...that His power is made perfect in my weakness. But what really speaks to me when I am frustrated with this painful, itchy, gross affliction is verse 10 which says, "That is why, for Christ's sake, I delight in weaknesses, in insults, in hardships, in persecutions, in difficulties. For when I am weak, then I am strong." I pray that someday I will be able to delight in this difficulty and see God's Grace carrying me through it. But, today, I was just utterly disappointed when the dermatologist CANCELED my long-awaited appointment due to illness.

Wednesday, September 17, 2008

Hot Diggity-Blog

It is just ridiculous that I can't even seem to be able to find the time to sit down and blog a little! And when I DO, here comes little miss wanting to be held or a bigger person who wishes to tell me a story or ask me a question or simply makes a lot of distracting noises in as close proximity to where I'm working as possible. That may explain why I haven't finished my book...or even attempted to...for the last two years. I used to write a lot while not sleeping. Now insomnia is not my problem and if I'm awake in the night I'm holding a little someone who likes to hit and kick this keyboard, making writing difficult if not impossible. But, I LOVE to write...even just a little newsy blog. I love putting my thoughts down on paper (okay, technically it's not paper, but you know what I mean). I love the creative release and process. But, in order to write, one does need to be able to complete a thought and string together coherent words to form sentences...something that I am definitely struggling with.
I would leave dishes in my sink and laundry unfolded in order to write, but that's not the problem. The issue is that in order to write, I need a period of UNINTERRUPTED time each day so that I can start a thought and finish it. Since Addy just carried Haven in here to show her the "pwetty, pwetty movies," I just lost my train of thought (and ability to spell...thank goodness for spell check)! Anyway, the point is that I can't seem to find the time to write, but it's not just time that's the factor. I wish I had Jason's ability to completely tune out the rest of the world, but I don't. I hear every argument, every whimper, every complaint, and they all register in my brain, making contiguous thought nearly impossible unless the house is absolutely still and quiet. I think it's a gift to be able to tune out because in the last 36 years I have not been able to teach myself to do it!
And, yet, in an incongruous, rabbit trail-ridden way, I've managed to post a blog!

Friday, September 12, 2008

That Darn Dog

As anyone who knows us is aware, there is no love lost between Jason and Snickers (our cute, but oh-so-stupid Dachshund/Schipperke mix). Tonight she escaped from the backyard just as we were leaving for a birthday party. Three of the five children took out after her, but she is energetic and fast and had all three trailing her down the street as she ran for her freedom. Jason had to run two blocks to catch her last time (he's the only one she'll mind) and decided that he just wasn't going to run this, he hopped on the Harley and took off! A few minutes later he pulled back up in the drive empty handed, which is not a good sign. Then, I noticed the glimmer of two worried, beady eyes peering out of the saddle bag. Sure enough, J had stuffed Snicks in the saddle bag and there she rode home with only her head sticking out. We all had a good laugh at her expense...I was thinking about getting her a studded collar and a "biker chick" wiener dog shirt.
The party lasted until nearly ten o'clock, so we were all a bit tired when we pulled the van in the garage and unloaded. Haven was already sleeping, so I lugged her upstairs, plugged in her box, and tucked her in. As I was coming back downstairs, Jason stopped me. "Did you see what your dog did?" he asked. I knew it couldn't be good, but I was not expecting the gaping hole she had torn all the way through the back door. I almost couldn't believe it...until she stuck her nose in and whined. Dumb dog. Dumb, dumb dog. Already on thin ice for running away she decides to destroy our back door. Is there a more stupid dog on the face of the planet? So, as I type this, Jason is patching our back door with some scrap wood and probably planning a slow, agonizing death for Snickers, dumbest dog in the world.

Monday, September 8, 2008

So It Goes

I've been on a "diet" for the last two weeks. So far, I've gained 4 pounds. I'm right on track to weigh 200 pounds by January at this rate! It's so frustrating! Maybe I should stop trying to lose weight...I was fat before, but at least I wasn't GAINING.
When you're fat you spend a lot of time being embarrassed and feeling ashamed. I'm ashamed every time I order food in a restaurant. I'm sure the skinny as a rail waitress is looking at me and thinking what a cow I am and how I shouldn't be eating at all. I'm embarrassed at the gym. I imagine everyone there is wondering why I'm there and how I can be so fat if I work out. I'm embarrassed, ashamed, frustrated, and sad when I shop for clothes. I HATE shopping for clothes. When I try on clothes all I can think is that I don't need new clothes, I need a new body. Nothing looks good on this body. In that way, being fat has some advantages...I'm not very likely to go spend money on myself. I am so ashamed of myself when I see my image in a mirror or on a photograph. How did I let myself get this way?
Jason and I want to take a cruise in February, but at this point I can't imagine voluntarily wearing a swimsuit in public. I can't even imagine dressing up for formal night...I'm so unattractive.
I can't seem to strike a healthy balance. I wish I could just quit eating altogether! OR I wish I could eat everything in sight and be almost skeletal. Why does it have to be so hard?

Friday, September 5, 2008

A Day in the Life

This week has been crazy! Typical...but crazy. Here's how it went...

Monday morning, no school. Yay! We got all sheets changed on all the beds, cleaned bathrooms, and did 4 loads of laundry. Haddon had a 2 hour soccer practice, but we spent the rest of the day at home. Haven had 3 alarms before midnight and disconnects all night long. I was up at least once an hour.
Tuesday, Jason woke me up at 7:24, "Are you going to go be the principal today?" Got out of bed, took a speed shower, slapped a little paint on the barn, and ran to school. J brought all of the kids to the school at 8:30. We ate lunch together at noon, then I took Haven home for a nap. After a SHORT nap (during which time I worked on the school calendar), she was very cranky, so we just headed back up to the school and worked for a while. We left the school at 3:40 and I dropped Hannah, Haddon, Blake, and Jakob off at the house. I ran Addy to piano at 4:00, took Avery to pick out her soccer cleats, socks, shin guards, and ball. Drove like a madwoman to get back to piano by 4:30. Started supper, got Haddon ready for soccer, drove Haddon to soccer practice at 5:45, drove home, finished supper, and all the girls ate. Started baths and homework, then the boys arrived home from soccer at 8:00 and ate their supper. The little 3 were tucked by 8:40! Whew!!! Then we swept and mopped, finished the big girls' homework, put away laundry, and collapsed into bed around eleven. She woke up at 12:30 and 5:30.
Wednesday morning I dragged myself out of bed at 6:50. I was able to get ready for work before little miss woke up and even had a few minutes to read the Word and pray at my desk before it was time to get started at school. Haven and I worked until a bit after noon, then went home and ate lunch. Haven took a pretty good nap (about an hour and a half), so I was able to do a load of laundry and finish some paper work for school. We headed back up to the school at 3:30 to pick up the other kiddos and the two extras that the girls babysit after school. At 5:00 we headed across town to take Hannah to dance, took Addy to small groups, then the rest of us went to church. At church I taught a class of 19 rowdy third graders for two hours, then picked up Addy, then Hannah and drove back home. Baths, homework, little ones to bed by 8:30, big girls homework, then put away some laundry and went to bed at about 10:30. Haven woke up at 2:30.
Thursday I woke up feeling pretty rested at 6:30. Got ready for work, got Haven ready for school, left for school. Haven and I worked until 11:30, then we went and ate lunch. I dropped her off at church with J and went to a meeting with the public school special ed administration. There I sat for nearly an hour while they told me that even though our school parents pay their taxes, the public school is no longer obligated to provide special ed services for our students with special ed needs. I picked up Haven and took her home for a short nap during which I contacted the state dept. and found out that the public school is in fact no longer legally bound to provide services for our students. We headed back up to the school at 3:30 to get the kids. After dropping everybody but Haven and Hannah at home, I drove Hannah to dance. Then, I drove back home and picked up Avery and drove her to dance. An hour later I picked Avery up from dance and drove her to soccer. An hour after that we went to KFC for supper, then home and did the whole homework, baths, bedtime routine. Hit the bed at 10:45. Haven woke up at 11:30. Haven woke up at 12:15 and wasn't going back down...we were up until 2:30 when she finally gave up. Avery got up at 2:35 with diarrhea. I got to sleep at 2:45.
This morning Haven woke me up at 6:55 and I laid in bed and nursed her until 7:10. We headed to school at the normal time and I just poured myself an EXTRA large cup of coffee. I left school at 12:oo with Haven and we stopped at the grocery store before meeting a friend for lunch. At 12:50 I headed back to school to teach art. At 2:00 Jason came and got Haven. I taught art to two classes and finished at 3:00. We got in the van and headed home at 3:45.
WHEW! I am so glad it's the weekend...even supermoms get tired sometimes!

Monday, September 1, 2008

Another Blog Bites the Dust

Believe it or not, I HAVEN'T gone a week without blogging! I've only blogged twice, but both of them failed to post for some reason! Grrrrr....Haven has been super grumpy lately. She seems to be (finally) getting over her cold, but she isn't sleeping well and I think tooth #2 is close to making its appearance. Last night was pretty rough. She had her first bradycardia alarm at 8:40 before I even put her into bed. She is in the very small minority of central apnea patients that occassionally have apneas and heart rate problems when awake (.4%). We have noticed that when she does alarm when awake she is usually sleepy, so I don't know if that's triggering them, or what. She went on to have two more bradycardias before midnight.
Someone asked me the other day what had happened before she was born to make her like she is. Beautiful? Smart? Funny? No, they meant the anea, of course. I told them that some babies are just born that way, but they persisted, "Did 'they' ever tell you that it might be something you did?" "Nope." And I walked away. I know this person is pretty slow, but it struck at the core of me even though I tried to ignore it. I guess because that's something I wonder, too. Did I do something to make Haven sick? Was it the Tylenol I took? Antidepressants before I knew I was pregnant? Being ungrateful for the opportunity to have another baby? Then again, central apnea is such a small (teeny-tiny) part of who Haven is that it surprises me that some people will characterize her by it! She is AMAZING!