Monday, September 8, 2008

So It Goes

I've been on a "diet" for the last two weeks. So far, I've gained 4 pounds. I'm right on track to weigh 200 pounds by January at this rate! It's so frustrating! Maybe I should stop trying to lose weight...I was fat before, but at least I wasn't GAINING.
When you're fat you spend a lot of time being embarrassed and feeling ashamed. I'm ashamed every time I order food in a restaurant. I'm sure the skinny as a rail waitress is looking at me and thinking what a cow I am and how I shouldn't be eating at all. I'm embarrassed at the gym. I imagine everyone there is wondering why I'm there and how I can be so fat if I work out. I'm embarrassed, ashamed, frustrated, and sad when I shop for clothes. I HATE shopping for clothes. When I try on clothes all I can think is that I don't need new clothes, I need a new body. Nothing looks good on this body. In that way, being fat has some advantages...I'm not very likely to go spend money on myself. I am so ashamed of myself when I see my image in a mirror or on a photograph. How did I let myself get this way?
Jason and I want to take a cruise in February, but at this point I can't imagine voluntarily wearing a swimsuit in public. I can't even imagine dressing up for formal night...I'm so unattractive.
I can't seem to strike a healthy balance. I wish I could just quit eating altogether! OR I wish I could eat everything in sight and be almost skeletal. Why does it have to be so hard?

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